Farewell Old Dreams, Hell Yeah Japan (aka The Star Cinema Stint)

Here's the deal.

We all know how much I wanted to go to Japan. It's the first thought that comes to mind in the mornings, and the final thought that seeps into my dreams at night. We all know how hard I'm working my ass off right now, trying to make it through my MA, just to be able to get into the Japanese Embassy's scholarship.

I have a goal, and I'm dishing out everything I've got, just to be able to reach it.

But one day, God looked at me and said, "Karren you have to know what you /really/ want to do with your life. You have to learn how to choose and decide for yourself. Here."

And He gave me Star Cinema.

It was a dream I used to have. A quiet yet desperate yearning within me. Three years ago, I wanted to work in the film industry, to be a part of the biggest, most popular company in the biz. I wanted so bad to be a screenplay writer, but I thought it was a path that I wouldn't be able to take. Taking up Comparative Literature was pushing it enough; if I took up Film I might not be welcomed in my home anymore.

But God gave me Star Cinema out of the blue. It was an open door, and I had to look at it. I had to peek inside, and see if the dream was still alive. I thought it still was, and for a beautiful moment, I had so much fun weaving one concept for a movie after another. It was so thrilling to sit with three other people in a boardroom, pitching my ideas and helping others consolidate theirs. For a moment, I thought the dream was still alive. I thought the flame was still burning.

And what of Japan? What of my family's business?

I didn't know. I was just going along with the current flow. I didn't know why God disrupted my current well-laid plans, nor did I know why He had to throw this in front of me now, of all possible time. But I knew in my heart that there is a reason for all of this, and that I'll find a message at the very end of this new journey.

What a short journey it has been; yet the impact is most riveting, most overwhelming.

This day was my third, and final shot at finally striking the deal with Star Cinema.

After having my CV chosen among hundreds of others, after showing them what I could contribute during the trial brainstorming session, and after submitting my proposed story-line, I was finally called up to present my storyline to the panel; pitch and sell my movie, and my chance to convince them to hire me.

Instead, I told them that I would not drop my dream to go to Japan, not even for an illustrious dream I used to have before.

I realized that this journey is about choices. About finally realizing what I want to do with my life. About finally deciding where I want to be, what I want to be.

They painted a scenario where in five years, I'll be one of the best writers of Star Cinema, with a big salary and probably fame, BUT, I wasn't allowed to go to Japan. They were, in a way, making me choose between my dream to be a scholar in Japan and Star Cinema. I looked them in the eye and said that I would choose, above all else, my dream to go to Japan. I cannot give that up. I will not give that up. Not for anything.

Maybe this journey was laid out for me so that I would be able to come to terms with what I really want. Turning your back on a dream you desperately have for a dream that you are currently nourishing is nothing short of overwhelming.

Walking away from one big dream in order to embrace another, I think, is a significant, if not brave choice.

I walked away from ABS-CBN's compound without looking back, looking forward to burying my nose in my thesis once again.

I'm sure I had prettier words earlier, when I was still reeling from the shock of it all, but the long and short of it was, I realized this afternoon that I wouldn't give up Japan and scholarship for anything in this world... not even for a childhood dream. Not even for promises of fame or money, or stardom.

I had to confront my past desires in order for me to embrace my present, and future passion.

Alright, so I know I made an ass of myself back in that room. After that particular conversation, I know that there's no way in hell they're going to hire me. There are hundreds of other people who want that job more than I do. Those people are more deserving of the spot.

Yeah, I made a fool of myself. Why the hell did I apply for that position if I wasn't willing to give up my dream to go to Japan and eventually become a scholar and a professor in the future? I smiled, shrugged and told them the truth.

"It was an open door," I said. "I had to peek inside."

I peeked, alright, and I realized that I didn't want to go through that door. I'm sure now, more than ever, that the path I'm currently walking, the path to scholarship (read: geekdom) and Japan (read: nerdhood) is the one I want to pursue.

So I made a fool and an ass of myself, and in retrospect, I hope I didn't waste any of their time. I know that they must have liked me, even a little, because I made it this far. But still, that building wasn't where I should be.

I'd still be happier working for and with my family, while they silently support me as I fight to achieve my dreams.

It was a short journey, but it was mind-numbing, and awe-inspiring at the very least.

And so, when God said, "Here," and gave me Star Cinema, I said in reply,

"Thank you, but I'll take Japan."

"Are you sure now?" He asked with a smile.

I smiled back; that cheeky, stupid, moronic smile I'm quite famous for, nodded firmly, and said, "Yes, I am."

He smiled, and said, "Alright. I'll take you there.

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